December 5, 2014
That’s
actually the theme of the Fruits Basket episode I “rewatched” today. You’re
pretty lucky if you have friends and loved ones protecting you. Today, I have
been very busy buying things for the typhoon. In fact, I think I spent almost
all my time on concerns outside my usual to-do’s. I actually just planned to
“waste” my morning and to spend the afternoon checking papers and getting
started with the many graduate school tasks I need to finish, but it turned out
that I spent more time frolicking around partly because Xie and I barely have
the time to unwind, so Ruby afforded for us the luxury. We ate late lunch
together at Colonial Grill. Now, I know that the ice cream is not a must-try
and must-repeat if you value your stomach and your appetite (sorry for being
rude). We also took the time to look at ukay-ukay clothes. I bought myself a
black sweater. Allen also came over for dinner. We had a very candid chat about
things and finally, I got to give her the book and the bracelet rosary.
Again,
all these happened as we braced ourselves for the storm. We really have to be
thankful that it has partially weakened but there’s really no time to slack off
and relax. It’s still a very strong typhoon. I want to hope and pray some more
though it is embarrassing again to think that we only get serious on the
spiritual side when things in life get seriously beyond our control and really,
we want control over everything whether we realize it or not.
Talking
about control, I think I have spent beyond what I intended. Our overload pay
came just when it was needed and I must say it quickly went away, well for good
and needed reasons. The issue on injustice and unequal distribution still bugs
me and I think it always will, but I’ll get over it. My ability to trust is
again being tested here--- first, of course, with the typhoon and second, with
people. You then begin to wonder why you do things for the latter. Does it mean
that you truly care for them even at the expense of being hurt? Well, the
answer fairly came because of Fruits Basket: “to truly love someone is to put
their feelings first.” True, I have always been considering how others around
me feel to the point that I feel that I’m leaving myself out and they don’t
actually know how they hurt me whenever I feel that they are insensitive and
unreciprocating. Well, perhaps I really have not truly learned to love nor to
trust, even myself.
That’s
just sad. I don’t trust myself with how I spend my money and my time that’s why
now I’m worrying that I got little things done and I chose to chat and watch
anime shows instead of getting busy with school work. It’s really sad and now,
I feel all the more guilty because I feel that I have become overconfident that
the storm won’t be a big deal that I can at any time disregard praying the
rosary and just use the time for escape. So my priorities are now laid bare.
I
know place myself, as in many usual cases, under judgment and scrutiny. How I
love hurting myself! If only I could really feel someone protecting me from the
calamity, from the world, from myself. I know that I am protecting people
though my intentions aren’t always very sincere since there are mixed feelings
and selfish tendencies but I do know that I want to protect them, but I also
wish someone could protect me. I do hope that the Lord will really protect me,
all of us from the calamity, and I do long for somebody to put my feelings
first. I rarely feel it but I think it will be nice if I do.
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