Don’t Let Go of Memories

Jan. 04, 2015

                I take off from what Tohru of Fruits Basket said: “I hope this day would never end.” I usually find myself uttering this especially when I’m having a great time or when I’m at home or having a vacation. You see, Christmas vacation has just ended. Right now, I’m not feeling the typical lag or longing for my life during the two- week break. Maybe I’ll experience that when I wake up and welcome the Monday hustle tomorrow.

                Well, talking about memories, good ones are really difficult to come by especially because you cannot totally plan them, and sometimes, you’ll realize that you had them when they’re already over and you just want to repeat them so badly. Right now, as when I’m recovering from a long holiday, I would expect myself to feel so alone and apprehensive because of the harassments that I have to bear because of my inevitably busy schedule as a teacher, but I just have to bear in mind that I’m not the only one suffering from the holiday blues. In fact, I think everyone’s going through the struggle, but we have to remember, I think, and realize that we’re not alone. We’re together and together we must lift one another.

                I hope that tomorrow, I can share, in the many ways I can, with others in their efforts to feel more at ease with the transition. Truly, at this day and age, we must learn to truly live WHILE we are working---- not AFTER working. Work is life and is a participation, ultimately, in creation as it continues to be created, as Sr. Ana Malapitan, our retreat director put it.

                This year, I wish to start with less worries and a greater acceptance of pain and discomfort. Instead of resisting them and pushing them away, I must understand that they simply can’t be removed, well not in a cynical way. Eventually, again, as the anime Fruits Basket has taught me, they will help me become better. I really want to be better, totally. Also, I recognize that I have to be quite particular with what I think of much as what I eat. And more than controlling my thoughts, I have to be more cognitively receptive and open to Him who speaks to me. I hope that I’ll have a more listening mind and that goes with saying, a more listening heart. J Happy New Year!

At the Tip of the Year

It’s a rainy last day of the year. At one point it’s a good thing because the threat of fire cracker accidents will be minimal; I do hope. I’m also left with only three or four vacation days and as experience would tell me, it will take some time to recover.

One good thing about this year’s holiday break is that I wasn’t able to create a habit. This is good because I won’t miss the vacation so much because I don’t have constant memories to go back to. Every day, I was doing a different thing though I had several plans. Well, there were some I was able to accomplish though not completely and satisfactorily like reactivating my blog.

I actually don’t know what to write about. I want to make this my outlet and my habit but I really need to push myself. I really want to be well in all aspects. I want to gain a healthier perspective about life for the next year.

I guess I’ll start the year with an enumeration of desires and these would be better packaged in a prayer. 

SLEEPING EARLY for WORK

               

                While I’m quite thankful to the Lord that the storm has passed without much damage, I must now confront the reality that I have to wake up early tomorrow for work, and so I might have to face the same worries of the day that has left me longing to lock myself up here in the apartment and just stare at my laptop screen for hours.

                There are really things in life that can leave you very scared. In my case, well, I haven’t totally recognized them. That’s why I’m going through psychological counselling, but I think it would be really nice if I’ll get to overcome this stage of my life and maybe, go back to looking forward to what lies ahead just like when I was in high school.

                I love my comfortable little world in my room and I really value the moments when I just stay here, cozy, with nothing to worry about. I just stay in bed without any pressure and get up anytime or do what I want but it turns out that life is not like that, but I shouldn’t be looking at it as if every day I have to die and be alive again only to die the next day.

                I want to believe what my high school classmate, Carla Dacuba, wrote as her quotable quote in our yearbook: “Life is not a perennial funeral procession. There’s a reason for living.” Back then, I thought I found my reason. Now I seemed to have lost it or it seemed to have flown away on a piece of paper. I don’t know where to retrieve it. What I know is that I should now close this laptop and accept that I have to sleep early because I also have to go to school early tomorrow. Hopefully, when I wake up I won’t have any hangover on any anime I have watched and I will not anymore imagine myself on a tightrope doing a death-defying stunt for everyone to see.

Paabot na su Bagyo

                Naghahalat-halat na kami sa paghabot ni Ruby pero sana dae na magkusog an paros buda uran tapos sana dae mawara an kuryente. Pahit an pag-iling kong pelikula mantang tigchacharge an laptop ko. Pag mga arog lang talaga kaining panahon nagkakaigwang dahilan para magpurupahingalo, magpundo dawa pagmati ko makahinayangon sa oras. Kadakol akong gustong gibuhon ngoniang kulong ako digdi asin limitado an hiro, su mga  dae ko nagigibo pag normal an panahon.

Pagnormal an panahon, abnormal kita maghiro-hiro.

                Nananali ako sa oras na igwa ako. Gusto kong magkaturog, magbabasa-basa, mag-iling-iling sanang pasali, magkanta, magbayle, magkawat, magtunganga sa lanob gabos na kaito nagigibo ko kang aki pa na warang panghihinayang na ngonian, dipisilon gibuhon.

                Sabay sa pagpangadyi na maumayan na an panahon, an pangadyi man na maumayan naman an paghiling asin sa paglakaw sa buhay na sana bako na ini arog kan nagraragasang bagyo.

The Fantasy of Speculation

                A friend asked me how I’d feel if Takeru were to be my husband and we would spend most of the time together. I have been boasting that as my greatest but wildest dream and desire, but I laughed at the suggestion, only to remember that as a child, I have been a veteran at daydreaming and fantasizing about things like this. But now, there is a slight pinch as I tried to fantasize once more. It might probably be coming from the reality that it is impossible. Well, they say that if you will really “will” it, it can happen but I think that’s just sooo far-fetched. I haven’t even the means to purchase tickets to go to Japan!

                I’m not a child anymore who can thrive on one fantasy over another, and I know that each time I try to use my imagination to satisfy my desires, I plant seeds unconsciously which in time, I hope will grow but I don’t want to end up disappointed if I see them not bearing any fruit, so I want to be careful now. Everything can hurt you easily.

On Moving On

December 7, 2014

                I have a lot to be thankful for to the Lord for sparing us from the storm, but not only that. It was as if He used Ruby to help me experience the things I so desired to experience like rest and reflection, things which I barely get from my everyday struggles. I am indeed grateful but regretful for my darkness. Being forced to an asylum with oneself can lay bare the ugly secrets of one’s being. I was once again made to look into my own well to see all the nasty stuff about me, my personality, my thoughts and my emotions and right now, as I try to be spontaneous with my thoughts and my writing, it’s as if I’m called to embrace all of these as part of my loving of myself. I’m made to accept the truth that I am loved by God as the total me which includes all this ugliness which I’d rather not know or look at. Well, it’s difficult but in time, with more realizations, I’d learn to and I’ll be surprised with how the Lord will do it, but for the meantime, I want to say “Thank You!”