At the Tip of the Year

It’s a rainy last day of the year. At one point it’s a good thing because the threat of fire cracker accidents will be minimal; I do hope. I’m also left with only three or four vacation days and as experience would tell me, it will take some time to recover.

One good thing about this year’s holiday break is that I wasn’t able to create a habit. This is good because I won’t miss the vacation so much because I don’t have constant memories to go back to. Every day, I was doing a different thing though I had several plans. Well, there were some I was able to accomplish though not completely and satisfactorily like reactivating my blog.

I actually don’t know what to write about. I want to make this my outlet and my habit but I really need to push myself. I really want to be well in all aspects. I want to gain a healthier perspective about life for the next year.

I guess I’ll start the year with an enumeration of desires and these would be better packaged in a prayer. 

SLEEPING EARLY for WORK

               

                While I’m quite thankful to the Lord that the storm has passed without much damage, I must now confront the reality that I have to wake up early tomorrow for work, and so I might have to face the same worries of the day that has left me longing to lock myself up here in the apartment and just stare at my laptop screen for hours.

                There are really things in life that can leave you very scared. In my case, well, I haven’t totally recognized them. That’s why I’m going through psychological counselling, but I think it would be really nice if I’ll get to overcome this stage of my life and maybe, go back to looking forward to what lies ahead just like when I was in high school.

                I love my comfortable little world in my room and I really value the moments when I just stay here, cozy, with nothing to worry about. I just stay in bed without any pressure and get up anytime or do what I want but it turns out that life is not like that, but I shouldn’t be looking at it as if every day I have to die and be alive again only to die the next day.

                I want to believe what my high school classmate, Carla Dacuba, wrote as her quotable quote in our yearbook: “Life is not a perennial funeral procession. There’s a reason for living.” Back then, I thought I found my reason. Now I seemed to have lost it or it seemed to have flown away on a piece of paper. I don’t know where to retrieve it. What I know is that I should now close this laptop and accept that I have to sleep early because I also have to go to school early tomorrow. Hopefully, when I wake up I won’t have any hangover on any anime I have watched and I will not anymore imagine myself on a tightrope doing a death-defying stunt for everyone to see.

Paabot na su Bagyo

                Naghahalat-halat na kami sa paghabot ni Ruby pero sana dae na magkusog an paros buda uran tapos sana dae mawara an kuryente. Pahit an pag-iling kong pelikula mantang tigchacharge an laptop ko. Pag mga arog lang talaga kaining panahon nagkakaigwang dahilan para magpurupahingalo, magpundo dawa pagmati ko makahinayangon sa oras. Kadakol akong gustong gibuhon ngoniang kulong ako digdi asin limitado an hiro, su mga  dae ko nagigibo pag normal an panahon.

Pagnormal an panahon, abnormal kita maghiro-hiro.

                Nananali ako sa oras na igwa ako. Gusto kong magkaturog, magbabasa-basa, mag-iling-iling sanang pasali, magkanta, magbayle, magkawat, magtunganga sa lanob gabos na kaito nagigibo ko kang aki pa na warang panghihinayang na ngonian, dipisilon gibuhon.

                Sabay sa pagpangadyi na maumayan na an panahon, an pangadyi man na maumayan naman an paghiling asin sa paglakaw sa buhay na sana bako na ini arog kan nagraragasang bagyo.

The Fantasy of Speculation

                A friend asked me how I’d feel if Takeru were to be my husband and we would spend most of the time together. I have been boasting that as my greatest but wildest dream and desire, but I laughed at the suggestion, only to remember that as a child, I have been a veteran at daydreaming and fantasizing about things like this. But now, there is a slight pinch as I tried to fantasize once more. It might probably be coming from the reality that it is impossible. Well, they say that if you will really “will” it, it can happen but I think that’s just sooo far-fetched. I haven’t even the means to purchase tickets to go to Japan!

                I’m not a child anymore who can thrive on one fantasy over another, and I know that each time I try to use my imagination to satisfy my desires, I plant seeds unconsciously which in time, I hope will grow but I don’t want to end up disappointed if I see them not bearing any fruit, so I want to be careful now. Everything can hurt you easily.

On Moving On

December 7, 2014

                I have a lot to be thankful for to the Lord for sparing us from the storm, but not only that. It was as if He used Ruby to help me experience the things I so desired to experience like rest and reflection, things which I barely get from my everyday struggles. I am indeed grateful but regretful for my darkness. Being forced to an asylum with oneself can lay bare the ugly secrets of one’s being. I was once again made to look into my own well to see all the nasty stuff about me, my personality, my thoughts and my emotions and right now, as I try to be spontaneous with my thoughts and my writing, it’s as if I’m called to embrace all of these as part of my loving of myself. I’m made to accept the truth that I am loved by God as the total me which includes all this ugliness which I’d rather not know or look at. Well, it’s difficult but in time, with more realizations, I’d learn to and I’ll be surprised with how the Lord will do it, but for the meantime, I want to say “Thank You!”

IT’S NICE WHEN SOMEBODY’S PROTECTING YOU

December 5, 2014

                That’s actually the theme of the Fruits Basket episode I “rewatched” today. You’re pretty lucky if you have friends and loved ones protecting you. Today, I have been very busy buying things for the typhoon. In fact, I think I spent almost all my time on concerns outside my usual to-do’s. I actually just planned to “waste” my morning and to spend the afternoon checking papers and getting started with the many graduate school tasks I need to finish, but it turned out that I spent more time frolicking around partly because Xie and I barely have the time to unwind, so Ruby afforded for us the luxury. We ate late lunch together at Colonial Grill. Now, I know that the ice cream is not a must-try and must-repeat if you value your stomach and your appetite (sorry for being rude). We also took the time to look at ukay-ukay clothes. I bought myself a black sweater. Allen also came over for dinner. We had a very candid chat about things and finally, I got to give her the book and the bracelet rosary.

                Again, all these happened as we braced ourselves for the storm. We really have to be thankful that it has partially weakened but there’s really no time to slack off and relax. It’s still a very strong typhoon. I want to hope and pray some more though it is embarrassing again to think that we only get serious on the spiritual side when things in life get seriously beyond our control and really, we want control over everything whether we realize it or not.

                Talking about control, I think I have spent beyond what I intended. Our overload pay came just when it was needed and I must say it quickly went away, well for good and needed reasons. The issue on injustice and unequal distribution still bugs me and I think it always will, but I’ll get over it. My ability to trust is again being tested here--- first, of course, with the typhoon and second, with people. You then begin to wonder why you do things for the latter. Does it mean that you truly care for them even at the expense of being hurt? Well, the answer fairly came because of Fruits Basket: “to truly love someone is to put their feelings first.” True, I have always been considering how others around me feel to the point that I feel that I’m leaving myself out and they don’t actually know how they hurt me whenever I feel that they are insensitive and unreciprocating. Well, perhaps I really have not truly learned to love nor to trust, even myself.

                That’s just sad. I don’t trust myself with how I spend my money and my time that’s why now I’m worrying that I got little things done and I chose to chat and watch anime shows instead of getting busy with school work. It’s really sad and now, I feel all the more guilty because I feel that I have become overconfident that the storm won’t be a big deal that I can at any time disregard praying the rosary and just use the time for escape. So my priorities are now laid bare.

                I know place myself, as in many usual cases, under judgment and scrutiny. How I love hurting myself! If only I could really feel someone protecting me from the calamity, from the world, from myself. I know that I am protecting people though my intentions aren’t always very sincere since there are mixed feelings and selfish tendencies but I do know that I want to protect them, but I also wish someone could protect me. I do hope that the Lord will really protect me, all of us from the calamity, and I do long for somebody to put my feelings first. I rarely feel it but I think it will be nice if I do.